Watch Imagine a world where people skeptical of what we believe are envious of how well we treat each other and amazed at how well we treat them.
Focalism is the brain's tendency to magnify one thing to the exclusion of everything else. Once the sizzle subsides, somebody is going to wake up and wonder how he or she got into this mess. Makes you wonder if this right person phenomenon is nature's way of ensuring the human race survives even if relationships don't. Give up or soldier on in a lifeless, passionless relationship.Focalism distorts reality, be that reality food, a dress, a car, or, yes, a person. It's almost impossible to recognize any of this in the mirror. Slow Fade Physical attraction and chemistry combined with a routine of "my house or yours? Couples try all kinds of things to rekindle what once was. My point is, finding the right person is no guarantee that things will turn out right.You've experienced focalism many times, and most instances were harmless. We've all made impulse purchases we later regretted. But you immediately recognize it in your friends, don't you? " has the potential to diminish the importance of what you've always believed was important for a healthy, go-the-distance relationship. But I bet we would agree on what it takes to create a relationship that stands the test of time and the unavoidable trials of life. In fact, leaning into the right person myth almost guarantees they won't.Not for the faint of heart, The New Rules for Love, Sex & Dating challenges singles to step up and set a new standard for this generation. Looking for the right person is a great idea as long as you don't assume that finding the right person ensures everything will be all right. Not a single male reading this book will underline that statement. Which means if you're sexually involved with someone right now, the next time the two of you are in the middle of lovemaking, look each other in the eye and say, "You are one of a million! But sexual compatibility is not the litmus test for relational compatibility. Losing interest in sex with someone is always a manifestation of something else. My hunch is the root of your previous relational challenges was ... Chances are you would have addressed the relational challenges more quickly if you hadn't been physically involved.“If you don't want a marriage like the majority of marriages, then stop dating like the majority of daters! Looking for the right person is essential; it's just not enough. Of course our sexual compatibility outstrips our relational compatibility. " To which your partner will say (assuming he or she hasn't read this fascinating book), "Don't you mean, I'm one in a million? This "tell me something I don't already know" insight underscores why experimenting sexually to ensure you've found the right person is a bad idea. In fact, you would have ended the relationship sooner if you hadn't been sexually involved. You shouldn't apply it until you're absolutely sure you're ready to stick two things together permanently.Andy and his wife, Sandra, have three grown children and live near Atlanta. But in the end, regardless of how many potential right candidates there are, one and only one is chosen. As of the writing of this book, it appears that five contestants chose well. I assume you don't take your relationship cues from script writers and authors. While most everybody has a mental list of what makes the right person the right person, most people abandon their lists for physical attraction and chemistry. While instant chemistry is common, instant chemistry that dovetails into an instantly healthy relationship with until-death-do-us-part potential is not. But before marriage, a lack of objectivity is dangerous.CHAPTER 1THE RIGHT PERSON MYTHAt the center of every great love story are two people who are right for each other, destined to be together. Three hundred pages or a hundred and twenty minutes later they've figured out what we knew all along, leaving us entertained and, in some cases, inspired by their story. In the case of these two reality Tv shows, we don't know who's right for whom until the end. But it's possible you've embraced the underlying premise that holds these story lines and episodes together. A good many divorced men and women had already located right person 2.0 while in the process of divorcing right person 1.0. You may not believe there's one right person for you, but you are looking for the right person. When you're physically attracted to someone and there's that extra something we will refer to as chemistry, it just feels right, doesn't it? Show me a couple who are attracted to each other and share that certain something, and I'll show you a couple convinced they are right for each other. Sex distorts positive and negative traits in a partner.We've all driven miles out of our way to get a favorite dessert, fast food sandwich, or specialty coffee. Similarly, we've tried our best to buy something, attend something, or contact someone that didn't work out. unfortunately, those very things get lost or downgraded in the bliss of "we're the exception to all the rules" passion. All the Wrong Options Before we move on, I want to go back to the "maybe a baby will help" idea.Twenty-four hours later, we were relieved that it didn't. Couples begin to believe no one has ever loved the way they love. Treating what's important as unimportant has a price tag. Perhaps you've already paid that tab a time or two. Bringing a baby into a troubled relationship is a bad idea for many reasons.Focalism, along with a short list of other cognitive biases, has the potential to trick us into making bad decisions. Perhaps it's why you capitulated and bought a book about something you always assumed you could figure out on your own. Not least of which is that one of the most morally vulnerable times in the life of a man is when his wife or girlfriend is pregnant.That potential increases dramatically in emotionally charged environments. If that's the case, bear with me as I address my readers who have yet to find themselves in a relationship that promised much but delivered little. Dumb Married Tricks As attraction and chemistry wane, it's not uncommon for somebody to suggest having a baby. If you've never been married, you're thinking, Why would anyone bring a baby into a relationship that's already on life support? If you're married, or were married, you may be wondering why you didn't ask yourself that very question. This is true in healthy relationships, but the temptation is compounded when things aren't going well. Children should be a welcomed addition to a healthy family unit.