Focalism distorts reality, be that reality food, a dress, a car, or, yes, a person. It's almost impossible to recognize any of this in the mirror. Slow Fade Physical attraction and chemistry combined with a routine of "my house or yours? Couples try all kinds of things to rekindle what once was. My point is, finding the right person is no guarantee that things will turn out right.You've experienced focalism many times, and most instances were harmless. We've all made impulse purchases we later regretted. But you immediately recognize it in your friends, don't you? " has the potential to diminish the importance of what you've always believed was important for a healthy, go-the-distance relationship. But I bet we would agree on what it takes to create a relationship that stands the test of time and the unavoidable trials of life. In fact, leaning into the right person myth almost guarantees they won't.” —Andy Stanley Also includes a four-session small group discussion guide to be used with The New Rules for Love, Sex, and Dating video (sold separately). There's more to a satisfying relationship than finding the right person. It's this undervalued side of the equation that keeps romance romantic. If you can't wait, feel free to flip or swipe ahead ... " To which you can say, "No, you're one of a million. Apply it too soon, and you'll have a mess once you realize your mistake.Communicator, author, and pastor Andy Stanley founded Atlanta-based North Point Ministries in 1995. As I mentioned in the introduction, more is what this book is all about. On a personal note, it's why I love going home at the end of the day. Attraction Matters Before we explore more, let's think together for just a paragraph or two about what makes a right person a right person. Online dating services wouldn't work if people didn't have lists. Since the title of this book promises SEX, I thought we should introduce the topic in this first chapter. as long as you promise to come back and read the first seven chapters. I'm sexually compatible with a million other people. I know, sounds like something your momma would say. Andy Stanley shares the secret in this 4-part study. is filled with insightful perspectives and practical exercises to build a biblical foundation for our finances. Conversations don't come with backspace buttons, so how do we prevent our big mouths from getting us in big trouble next time? Jesus’ resurrection launched a series of events that introduced the world to his new covenant and new hope. We were told everything in it was true and we should do our best to abide by its teachings. Maybe you developed a framework of faith based on personal experience. Too often, a faith formed in childhood isn't strong enough to withstand the pressures of adult life.Instead of chemistry and passion, there's tension and frustration. "I think we need to talk about our relationship." Women are often the first to recommend outside help. We shouldn't have to hire a counselor to keep us in love. And social media has made it easier than ever to wade through the options. The chemistry that fueled the right person mystique ebbs. (Continues...) Excerpted from The New Rules for Love, Sex, and Dating by Andy Stanley.
CHAPTER 1THE RIGHT PERSON MYTHAt the center of every great love story are two people who are right for each other, destined to be together. Three hundred pages or a hundred and twenty minutes later they've figured out what we knew all along, leaving us entertained and, in some cases, inspired by their story. In the case of these two reality Tv shows, we don't know who's right for whom until the end. But it's possible you've embraced the underlying premise that holds these story lines and episodes together. A good many divorced men and women had already located right person 2.0 while in the process of divorcing right person 1.0. You may not believe there's one right person for you, but you are looking for the right person. When you're physically attracted to someone and there's that extra something we will refer to as chemistry, it just feels right, doesn't it? Show me a couple who are attracted to each other and share that certain something, and I'll show you a couple convinced they are right for each other. Sex distorts positive and negative traits in a partner.As I mentioned earlier, falling in love requires only a pulse. When a couple ignores more, they have relationship problems. Because in the beginning they ignored all of that silly relationship stuff. That was for other people, people who weren't in love like they were in love. The way we figure it, we didn't need any outside help in the beginning, so why would we need it now? While 15 percent of married couples divorce within three years of the birth of their first child, the percentage of unmarried couples who separate after the birth of a child is closer to 40 percent. But men aren't the only ones who start looking elsewhere when things aren't going well.But, over time, the connection that was once so effortless and passionate, so sexually charged, begins to fade. We didn't need a counselor to help us fall in love. As the right person approach starts unraveling, everybody is open to a new right person. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.We're usually able to spot 'em three or four scenes into a movie or a half-dozen chapters into a novel. That assumption being: there's a right person for you, and once you find your right person, everything will be all right. The myth isn't, There's a right person for you out there somewhere. The myth is that once you find the right person, everything will be all right. Every man and woman who have navigated the pain and complexity of divorce stood in front of a preacher, priest, or justice of the peace and made vows to the right person. But eventually they discovered something wrong with Mr. When it feels right, it's easy to assume it is right. This explains why we've heard people say, "The first time we met, I knew we would be together." Somehow they just knew. Men and women exaggerate the good and turn a blind eye to the things that would normally give them pause. You will be sexually compatible with the right person. To test the potential possibility of a long-term relationship via sex is a bit like choosing a university because it looks like a university. If you allow attraction and chemistry to sweep you immediately into sexual involvement, you will most likely confuse sexual compatibility for something it isn't. The fact that you can't keep your hands off of her ...My hunch is you're smart enough to know why that's a myth. Once a couple is physically involved, they overlook and ignore characteristics and habits that would otherwise cause them to mark someone off their lists. For years researchers have studied the brain's response to a variety of external stimuli, including specific appetites. They're thinking happily ever after and you're wondering if it's too late to say something. But sexual compatibility doesn't make someone right. That arranged marriage approach would work just about 100 percent of the time. the fact that you can't wait for him to get his hands on you ...Now, if you can relate to the previous three paragraphs and you're wondering why you weren't smart enough to recognize what was happening when it was happening, I have a bit of encouraging news. Along the way they discovered a cognitive bias someone labeled focalism. You know intuitively that they're as happy as they'll ever be. is not a sign of anything other than you are two healthy people who have stumbled across one of the many other healthy people in the world with whom you are sexually compatible.Focalism is the brain's tendency to magnify one thing to the exclusion of everything else. Once the sizzle subsides, somebody is going to wake up and wonder how he or she got into this mess. Makes you wonder if this right person phenomenon is nature's way of ensuring the human race survives even if relationships don't. Give up or soldier on in a lifeless, passionless relationship.Not for the faint of heart, The New Rules for Love, Sex & Dating challenges singles to step up and set a new standard for this generation. Looking for the right person is a great idea as long as you don't assume that finding the right person ensures everything will be all right. Not a single male reading this book will underline that statement. Which means if you're sexually involved with someone right now, the next time the two of you are in the middle of lovemaking, look each other in the eye and say, "You are one of a million! But sexual compatibility is not the litmus test for relational compatibility. Losing interest in sex with someone is always a manifestation of something else. My hunch is the root of your previous relational challenges was ... Chances are you would have addressed the relational challenges more quickly if you hadn't been physically involved.“If you don't want a marriage like the majority of marriages, then stop dating like the majority of daters! Looking for the right person is essential; it's just not enough. Of course our sexual compatibility outstrips our relational compatibility. " To which your partner will say (assuming he or she hasn't read this fascinating book), "Don't you mean, I'm one in a million? This "tell me something I don't already know" insight underscores why experimenting sexually to ensure you've found the right person is a bad idea. In fact, you would have ended the relationship sooner if you hadn't been sexually involved. You shouldn't apply it until you're absolutely sure you're ready to stick two things together permanently.We've all driven miles out of our way to get a favorite dessert, fast food sandwich, or specialty coffee. Similarly, we've tried our best to buy something, attend something, or contact someone that didn't work out. unfortunately, those very things get lost or downgraded in the bliss of "we're the exception to all the rules" passion. All the Wrong Options Before we move on, I want to go back to the "maybe a baby will help" idea.Twenty-four hours later, we were relieved that it didn't. Couples begin to believe no one has ever loved the way they love. Treating what's important as unimportant has a price tag. Perhaps you've already paid that tab a time or two. Bringing a baby into a troubled relationship is a bad idea for many reasons.